I Know You're Tired of Movie-Related Rants, But...

I just saw a fantasy movie that I thought I should warn you about. If you're a D&D fan, stay far away from it. I can't remember the title exactly. It was Sword of the Rings, or Lord of the Spring, or something like that. Apparently based on some book or other. Whatever.

First off, the movie is full of creatures which are just clear rip-offs of halflings (mostly 2nd Edition halflings -- right down to their furry feet) called hobbits. One of these hobbits gets embroiled into the plot because he ends up with a magic ring. It's sort of a ring of invisibility, but really it's a ring of etherealness. Anyway, along comes this weed-smokin' wizard (with long beard and pointy hat -- like we haven't seen that before) and the next thing you know, the hobbit gets into a whole big story with rangers, elves, dwarves, and wraiths. The ranger is even introduced as a shadowy, cloaked figure in a tavern. Could they steal more from D&D? I mean, if this movie had come before the game, you'd say that the whole foundation of Dungeons & Dragons was based on this movie. Or the books that the movie was based on (not that I've ever heard of them).

Anyway, there's a bunch of fights with orcs (which gets pretty boring -- I mean, why don't they throw in some goblins, hobgoblins, kobolds, gnolls, ogres, ogrillons, norkers, xvarts, lizardfolk, or troglodytes for some variety?) that serve some trite dark lord -- why do these stories all have some dark lord that wants to take over the world? It's like there's one story that they all universally pay homage to. I don't know.

Yeah, there are some okay bits around some big chasms and stairs. But did the wizard ever cast fly to help his friends? Nope. Not once. He even falls to his doom -- unless he had feather fall prepared, that is -- in the big fight with a type VI demon. I'm pretty sure they called it a balor. Of course, the demon will just teleport without error away before it hits bottom. Did anyone put any thought into this story? It didn't seem like it.

And the ending. Come on. Did they defeat the bad guy? Nope. How about some closure? I dunno, they're probably setting it all up for some sequel. Sword of the Rings II -- mark my words. If this movie is successful, the writers will probably scramble to put together the sequel's plot. I bet they'll get it out fast, too. I predict within a year. It doesn't take long to slap something like this together, I'm sure.

(Yes, everything in this rant is a lie. I absolutely adored this movie. How could I not? Merry Christmas!)