Make Monte Laugh
Man, did I get a lot of funny stuff.

There were just a couple entries short of 300 in the Make Monte Laugh Contest. I received about 10 duplicates (people sending in the same joke, or basically the same joke -- I got three of one joke!). About 30 to 35 were disqualified right off the bat because they were dirty or distasteful. Funny perhaps, but not my cup of tea. I also got a lot of jokes or stories I'd heard before, but I tried not to let that influence my decision.

I got funny haikus. I got funny lists. I got the famous Head of Vecna story (twice). I got lots of corporation/management jokes (guess I was asking for that one, huh?). I got engineer jokes, funny cartoons, goofy pictures, real-life news stories, and lots of personal, real life stories (a lot of which were animal related -- five about cats, three about cows, two about snakes, and two about hamsters). I got an amateur comedian's standup routine. And lots of game stories.

I laughed a lot.

I really appreciated each and every entry. It was a lot harder to made a decision than I thought it would be. A lot harder. But when it comes to humor, you gotta go with your gut, I think. The winners won because their entries struck me the funniest right then and there, at the moment I opened them up. My thanks goes out to everyone who entered, though. As I suspected, the people who read this website are a funny bunch.

Before I get to the two winners, let me give you a couple of entries that I thought were indeed really funny. Honorable mention #1, from Dick van de Bunt:

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued ... and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

Honorable Mention #2, a joke from John Jacobsma:

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep trouble now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

Honorable Mention #3 comes from tanis03:

Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee
"Ridge Hall computer assistant, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Wordperfect."
"What sort of a trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared"
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Wordperfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look at the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-- it's because it's dark?"
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!"

But on to the winners, right? Well, the runner-up winner, who gets his choice of an Orc & Pie T-shirt, or a signed copy of The Banewarrens or The Book of Eldritch Might, is David Ehlen. Here is his joke:

An old man lived alone in Mississippi. He wanted to plow his garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have gladly helped, was in state prison for having robbed a bank.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "Dad, please don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the money from the robbery." At daybreak the next morning, a dozen state troopers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding the money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked what to do next. His son's reply was, "Now plant your garden, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."

And, the winner of the Make Monte Laugh Contest, who wins an Orc & Pie T-shirt, a signed copy of The Banewarrens or and a signed copy of The Book of Eldritch Might, is Jesse Masterson, with this odd but (to me) extremely funny story, from a deranged mind (not Jesse, he just forwarded the story along):

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. I set the "winner" aside in a victor's pile until the entire population of the package has gone through one round, then square off the winners against each other.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A.,

...along with a 3x5 card reading: "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free half-pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.